Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
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My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
He’s cranky this morning
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.