Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
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If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”