The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
You Might Also Like
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
PLOT TWIST:
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”