Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
You Might Also Like
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.