Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
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Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”