Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
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My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”