I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
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Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
iPhone X
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.