Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
You Might Also Like
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Eat…
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
I want to meet the individual who made this
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
incredible book dedication
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Living the best life.. 😊
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone