Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
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I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
He wanted to make sure😂
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.