[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
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Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.