[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
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No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
My typo game is string.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
I’m not lazy