wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
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At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.