I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
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Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus