*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
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2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way