Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
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I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
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Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
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TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Smooooooth
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
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break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
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