My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
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Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold