My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
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It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Secret Panel HERE 馃
This day in history. 1881. A man in Gro脽liebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don鈥檛 want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
I鈥檝e had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
In my 20s: I鈥檒l show them
In my 30s: I probably won鈥檛 show them
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister鈥檚 view of the television.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.