This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
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“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg