the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
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I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Me trying to “trust the process”