I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
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YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.