I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
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Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
And that about sums it up.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice