[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
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Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them