Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
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My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
fired
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.