just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
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[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.