airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
You Might Also Like
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.