Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
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cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
I pray every night that I never become religious…
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Incredible customer service.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D