who wants to go expliring
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Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
When someone says you are so lazy