Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
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He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex