When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
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Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel