I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
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I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
How your email finds me
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…