Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
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Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
If only
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.