I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
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Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Punctuation Matters. Period.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job