I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
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“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.