When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
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You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.