Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
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Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Inside you there are two wolves
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS