[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
You Might Also Like
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.