[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
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Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this