Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
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I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u