STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
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wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
😏😏😏
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again