To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
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I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
the rocks need my help
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Otters see a butterfly.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
The honesty is refreshing
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this