I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
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He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill