My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
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my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.