The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
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Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.