Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
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My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.