COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
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I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
What if all the cashiers are married?