BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
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A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.