Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
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Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
I gave up going to work for lent.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
You learn something every day
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes