White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
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Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
i hate you platonically
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour