the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
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[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober