Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
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Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.